Electronics: The Good and the Bad

Electronics have a place in our lives.  I believe is nearly impossible to live a life today without them.  And frankly, they’re the main reason I have a job: men who lack self-mastery use them to look at pornography, break the hearts of their poor wives, and I work with these amazing ladies to bring joy back into their lives.

But they also have an amazing place in our world.  They allow connection to people and places where there was little to no previous connection.  Social media sites allow us to communicate with family and friends with whom we may have otherwise lost track.  We can call for help when our car breaks down on the side of the road instead of just praying that a police car shows up, or walking the mile to find the next yellow call box. (Do they even have those anymore?)

Anyways, you get the point.  Cel phones, computers, and tablets all have a useful place in our lives.  I have found though, not only with my clients but with myself, that connections using electronics can become a burden when not used wisely.  How many times do we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling through pinterest or facebook, or playing one of the endless supply of infinite runners or puzzle games that are available at our fingertips?  How often are we spending time doing this instead of engaging in activities that would truly enrich our lives.  How often does work stay undone, goals go unmet, children go ignored, and dinner haphazardly slapped together in the name of “downtime” on our devices.

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Downtime is good.  Downtime is important.  But is what you’re doing really downtime?  Or is it numbing?  Is what you’re facing elsewhere in your life so overwhelming that you’re ignoring it?  If so, step away from the phone.  Then make a list.  Dump everything out of your brain onto paper.  Next, set certain “phone time” blocks in your schedule; say first thing in the morning, during lunch, and before bedtime.  Finally, start tackling that list.  You don’t have to plow through it super-quick.  You don’t want to frustrate yourself because it’s so tiring.  Start with a couple easier things.  Then do something harder.  Then breeze through some easier things.  Next, tackle something you’ve been putting off for a long time.  It’ll feel really good!  Remember to get your schedule phone time in!

Still feeling overwhelmed?  Reach out to me on my contact page.  I can help you set goals to spend more time doing what’s important and will fulfill your life.

Grieving

14 1/2 years ago, my husband and I welcomed our first child, an adorable little girl.  About 5 weeks later, she was hospitalized and subsequently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that eventually cut her life short.  She passed away when she was 3 years old.

She had a medical specialist whose office we frequented.  Employed in this office was a social worker.  I remember the first time at the office talking with the social worker Susan as we held our newly diagnosed daughter in our arms.  Susan said that we will go through a grieving process.  I guess I looked at her funny because she went on to explain.  Grieving is often thought of a process when someone dies.  Though our daughter had not died, most parents have dreams and expectations of bringing home a healthy baby.  They think about starting their first foods, and helping them learn to walk, and the first day of school, and all kinds of other kid things.

Our daughter’s life was going to be very different than what we expected.  She wasn’t going to eat.  I would have to learn how to insert an NG tube, the tube that goes from the nose into the stomach for special medical formula.  I would have to learn to care for a g-tube, the tube that goes straight into her stomach for feeding.  I was going to have to give injections.  We would have hospital stays.  All of her motor skills would be delayed.  As would her speech and other areas.  She would probably have to be in Special Ed classes.  The reality we were facing was nothing like what we expected.  And so the little girl we dreamed about was going to have to be grieved while we dealt with the little girl we were given instead.

What does this have to do with being the wife of an addict?  Follow me here.  Many little girls grow up dreaming about what it would like to be married.  Their husband would be a good, honorable man.  He was going to adore her, respect her, and lead their family with love and righteousness.  Any realistic girl will realize he will also have flaws, and there would be moments where she will want to ring his neck, but he would be a hard worker, fun, and most of the other qualities that she desired in a husband.  But most of all, he would be faithful.

When a woman finds out her husband is looking at pornography or indulging in some other kind of sexual addiction, it can feel like the rug is pulled out from under them.  Those dreams they have of the ideal good and honorable man disappear in a poof and are replaced by disappointment, pain, and often a complete blank of what the future may hold.  And in the same way I had to grieve the loss of my daughter, these women have to grieve the loss of their husbands.  Even though they are often still there in their lives, when those dreams are shattered, there must be a grieving process as a new dream and a new life come into play.

If this is your situation, allow yourself that process.  Be angry.  Be sad.  Allow yourself the time to adjust to what your new reality may be.  Like my daughter, sometimes that reality isn’t bad, it’s just different.  But whatever reality that is, allow yourself the time and the grief needed to adjust.

Becoming Better

A client shared this article with me. I love the concept – every day work to be 1% better than you were before. I don’t know about you, but I have woken up and thought, “Today I am going to exercise, and eat perfect, and only spend 5 minutes on facebook.”

It is always a massive fail. But what if I woke up and said, “I usually use food as a transition between activities. Today I am going to have a drink of water instead.” It is a much more sustainable goal. Then, in a couple of days, I can say “Today I am not going to eat when I am bored; I will crochet instead.”

These are long-term sustainable goals that can compound into llfe-changing habits.

What goals have you been working on but haven’t been succeeding with? As a life coach, I can I help you with those using this concept.  We will look at the values that you hold and what goals fit with those, and take sustainable steps so you can become the person you want to be.  Fill out the form on my contact page and let’s talk.

View story at Medium.com